We are all happy about our marriage; How do i tell J i lost my Virginity

Since the announcement of our wedding date,  it has all been good days, our chats have improved as we talk more about how fun life will be together, and how much we wish this time will come and pass as fast as possible. I believe he sleeps better these days because the smiles are unstoppable especially when we are together.
But my sleep is being stolen, my nights are as if I am at the last stage of insomnia, that is, if it has stages. I know I brought this upon myself and the best I could have done was to at least tell 'J' earlier about this whole situation,  however my fear never allowed me, and this fear keeps getting worse. Even though he has not asked me about it due to his moral nature, but I know it is something that every man expects of his wife before marriage.

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(And do not come near to adultery, it is a shameful deed and an evil, and opening the road to other evils.
Surah No. 24, An Noor, Ayat No. 2)
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I do not know how J will take this because we have never discussed such issues so as not to lead us into discussing deeper issues and probably dragging ourselves into extreme acts. I know it is his right to know but how do I go about it, it is not like my parents know about it that I can discuss with my mother on how to go about it. It is the least of the things that anybody will expect from a staunch hijabi like me, and everybody who probably hears this is going to drag me into the gutters forgetting I am human, and we have all made mistakes along the line in our lives that we don't want to be reminded of.

Now my fear keeps whispering to me,  perhaps I should do alot of kegel exercise and get myself some tightening cream, this way I can escape, if not altogether, at least for my first few days after marriage. But what good will I gain if my marriage stand a chance of breaking in the first few weeks because of a little problem I could have gotten solved before it got started.

J has been a very understanding man since the begining of our relationship, he encourages dialogue alot, and he does not want anything that bothers me hidden from him. I believe this is not one of the things he will just let go if I don't tell him. Even if he does let go, some issues take time to get over with. I don't want the initial stages of our marriage to be  a living hell because of me, at least these good memories should continue and if they are going to be taken away from us, they should not even start at all.

J is coming to see me this evening at school, I plan on telling him everything, such secrets should be cleared in order for eternal peace and harmony to prevail.

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(Hikma's hostel cafeteria)

The chit-chats are over, the loud laughs have gone silent and the minute silence is about to spark the long silence that calls for goodbyes everytime, I am going to take advantage of this silence today and extend our chat which might possibly destroy the calmness in our hearts.

J dear I started,  he turned and responded with the 'mm' sound and his eyes popped out like he is waiting for some sort of breaking news. His gaze got me to put down my head, took a seconds breath and mentioned his name once again, Jamal dear,   he smiled as usual and responded once again, 'Hiki dear'. 

I gathered all the courage left in my heart and started " I don't know how you will take this, but I beg for your forgiveness first and pray that Allah grant you patience and understanding", He again said,  'Amin my dear, and you don't have to worry, just go ahead with what you want to say'. "J dear, you know we are humans and we all have made some terrible mistakes in our lives ",  'Yes dear'.

You remember I told you about the guy who wanted to marry me before I met you? 'yes dear' he responded. I remember telling you all about how he sent me to meet his parents and how all processes were in place for the bride price to be paid?  'you did dear' , that was not all,  I also wanted to tell you this but I could not bring myself to do it, I will be fine with any decision you make after I tell you this but I hope you  find a place in your heart to forgive my stupidity, I did not hear him respond this time round, all the yes 'dear's' were gone. I waited for some seconds,  hoping he will say something but nothing came out, I then decided to proceed.

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( Prophet Mohamed peace be upon him says: “when a man is being alone with a strange women, Satan is the third of them” {agreed by AL-Albany}.)
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There was this day I visited him in his house, I spent almost the whole day in the house, and since the family already knew about me and were preparing to come see my parents,  the atmosphere was not ambiguous, we were all comfortable with each other,  and the family had decided to leave us alone in the room so that we can have our privacy and probably chat about things related to our life ahead. The television was on, so I used it to divert attention anytime the atmosphere was getting tensed, you know, in that moment,  I understood the saying of the prophet about not sitting alone with even your husband to be without a third person, it is part of the reasons why i always want to sit here in the cafeteria with you anytime you visit. J was quiet, i guess he had caught on what i was about to say, but since I have started and have decided to keep my head down until I am done, let me just go ahead with it.

We talked alot of things,  from our 10years action plan for our to be family to the colour we will wear on the marriage occasion. As usual it got to the time where he will express how much he was lucky to have me, and how much he loved me, he held my  hand at that time, looked me in the eye and spoke so affectionately I must confess I was moved to tears, I became so moved that I did not hesitate when he decided to hug me, we hug for sometime and.... 'Hold on hiki', J chipped in, ' I know where this is going but let's end my restlessness a bit quicker by this question, did he do it with you? I hope you understand me?'. My head was stuck at my feet, I am the one who brought this up but I am more than uncomfortable right now, I knew J was pissed, but his nature will not allow him to spill honorifics at me right now. 'raise your head dear and please give me an answer, or should I take your silence as consent?' I slowly raised my head,  but at the first eye contact, my eyes came down to his chin, as I look at those hairs called beard. I did not want to increase the uneasiness of both of us so I nodded in affirmative. J was silent, it was as if he did not see me nodd,  so I raised my head a little and said yes. I am very sorry I am telling you this now J, I could not bring myself to tell you all this while and....,   I suddenly lost the words, so I kept quiet and my head back to my feet awaiting fate or faith if I had any at that moment. 'Hiki I am actually confused right now, can we talk tomorrow?  Right now, I need to get back home and have sometime to myself'. I am ok with that J, in shaa Allah tomorrow, he got up, said his salam and went out first. I stayed in my seat for about 10minutes before going out with the hope that I won't bump into him outside.

(J's  Residence)
Like I usually do during hard and difficult to understand times, I talk to myself, calm down J, you need to think straight and make the right decision for yourself, this is about the rest of your life.
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(The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be  him) said: (Women may be married for four things: wealth, beauty, lineage or religious commitment ) .
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I have been right about alot of things when it comes to hikma, she is beautiful, intelligent, God fearing and from a very good home, this issue is so unfortunate. She is passionate about working in the course of Allah and doing alot of humanitarian works to gain the pleasure of Allah,but this is still unfortunate.
Hikma's character is so calm, even when her friends get on her nerves, she only gets worried and cannot even pay them back as they deserve, but where on earth did this issue rain from?
Who is to be blamed in this case, should I blame hiki for being too lenient,  or should I blame the guy for taking advantage of my hikma.
It is true she was too lenient and that should not have been the case, but looking at how she handled me right from the begining, that was not lenient at all, is it because of this incident that she always treated me like that, it was as if I was after something else she was never going to give out. I guess I can conclude from my very own treatment that hikma is regretting whatever she did and is ready to be a better her.
Not to mention gathering the courage to tell me, I guess she is serious about me, and ready to settle with me, not every lady will do that. Especially when it was just once which might probably not be detected by a clueless man like me.
How is she expecting me to react in this situation, is she expecting a harsh treatment and a cancel of our marriage contract?

I promised to be your gentleman hiki, and I am not taking back my words. I am not waiting till tomorrow because I know you will not sleep tonight, the least I can do for you is to calm your nerves before you get sick out of anxiety.

(Hikma's phone rings)
OMG, it is J, should I pick? What is He going to say? With trembling hands I kept on scrolling to the right to pick the call but it seemed my screen was not feeling my fingers. The call ended and all I could hope for was a return call, and here it was. I picked up the phone and said my salam first, he coincidentally said a salam too, so we both replied wa alaikum salam. Now that creepy itchy silence was crawling in, J cut into it with the clearing of his throat and said, ' I am sorry I left in such a manner earlier, I wanted to organise my thoughts well and I did not want to react in any way that will hurt you the more, I hope you will forgive me?' At this moment, I could not hold back my tears, I shed a few and told him he is forgiven. 'Thank you, now I want to tell you that I understand you perfectly, we are humans as you said and we all make mistakes, there probably might be something unforgivable I have done too or yet to do, I hope in return of this my forgiveness you will one day forgive me too and take me in as your cherished husband. Even though you did wrong but I am in no place to judge or scold you. I will also like to plead with you to tell me now if there is any other thing I should know, so that we can deal with the pain once and for all' there is nothing else J, I already told you everything. 'Then it is all set, our marriage is still in two weeks time, I hope you still remember our colours, sleep well and, let's talk tomorrow, salamu Alaikum' wa alaikum salam, and he ended the call.

I did not know if my tears were tears of joy or tears of sorrow, I shed alot of it and cried myself to bed. I did not understand why I was crying but it gave me some relief so I continued. Not every guy will be like my J and for such a huge consideration, I will forever be that good girl to him and everybody, I thank Allah for everything and I pray that he gives men out there, the kind of heart he gave my J. I also pray he protect all my sisters out there from the wolves in sheep skins and their own desires. May we all live happily here and the hereafter and you are invited to the wedding ceremony of J and I in two weeks time.

Your sister,
Nuhu Alimatu Sadia
ummi.ug@gmail.com
Ummuabuuha.blogspot.com